Fresh Balm
0
I haven´t called you yet, though I wanted to. It´s still difficult. Don´t ask, because I don´t know why.
Not even like this, would you know how many times I think about doing it and I don´t , as I always said and you never believed.
Wathever. I should be used by now to be assummed a lier, specially when Iam not.
The feeling of missing part of my life, happy moments that I should live while young, is still, hitting me somehow, but, I noticed, those moments always come after you spend a big amount of effort and time on something. I spent my time and effort on people. Maybe that´s why.
People come and leave, but your purposes always remain. It´s just... I never had true purposes before. Just make a living.
When I was six years old, I had a crisis. An existencial crisis, as weird as it sounds. Back then I realized, that I would be forced to work for the rest of my life when adult, and I couldn´t skip that in order to get a house, and be able to subsist.
I got scared, because I never liked to be told what I must do, and that seemed like a big undeniable truth to me. So I told my mother I wanted to live in an island, make my own house, and grow my own food. So I can do what I like.
Such stupid thinking. But, I used to regret that.... if only I would had listened to my heart, to what my soul needed, I was sure Iwould never had wasted so much time, so much unrecoverable youth. BUt now, I am starting to change my thinking, to realize how much I learned.
And all of my volunteered suffering was for one purpose, to make me strong enough to follow the right path.
That´s what Iam timidly starting to believe instead.
Oh there´s so many ways to see the same thing.... so many things that aren´t exactly how they are suppossed to, but are completely right.
So many things that aren´t just as we think they are.... specially about ourselves. Iam a specialist in restraining myself. And I would have given anything to know when to do it or not.
Iam still not brave enough to throw my dice and accept. But I will someday.
My old businesses are knocking my door, but, as I would like to say that I miss it, I really don´t.
I will keep them up at my pace. I miss her, but she´s with me anyways, even so far away from me. She knows I miss her, and my gift will reach her, at some point. We understand each other´s souls naturally. Each other´s ways.
Would I keep her if she were nearer? I don´t know, I don´t want to take the risk. I never want.
I need to rest so much... I can´t have enough of that. I must do it while I can.
While I still can.
Not even like this, would you know how many times I think about doing it and I don´t , as I always said and you never believed.
Wathever. I should be used by now to be assummed a lier, specially when Iam not.
The feeling of missing part of my life, happy moments that I should live while young, is still, hitting me somehow, but, I noticed, those moments always come after you spend a big amount of effort and time on something. I spent my time and effort on people. Maybe that´s why.
People come and leave, but your purposes always remain. It´s just... I never had true purposes before. Just make a living.
When I was six years old, I had a crisis. An existencial crisis, as weird as it sounds. Back then I realized, that I would be forced to work for the rest of my life when adult, and I couldn´t skip that in order to get a house, and be able to subsist.
I got scared, because I never liked to be told what I must do, and that seemed like a big undeniable truth to me. So I told my mother I wanted to live in an island, make my own house, and grow my own food. So I can do what I like.
Such stupid thinking. But, I used to regret that.... if only I would had listened to my heart, to what my soul needed, I was sure Iwould never had wasted so much time, so much unrecoverable youth. BUt now, I am starting to change my thinking, to realize how much I learned.
And all of my volunteered suffering was for one purpose, to make me strong enough to follow the right path.
That´s what Iam timidly starting to believe instead.
Oh there´s so many ways to see the same thing.... so many things that aren´t exactly how they are suppossed to, but are completely right.
So many things that aren´t just as we think they are.... specially about ourselves. Iam a specialist in restraining myself. And I would have given anything to know when to do it or not.
Iam still not brave enough to throw my dice and accept. But I will someday.
My old businesses are knocking my door, but, as I would like to say that I miss it, I really don´t.
I will keep them up at my pace. I miss her, but she´s with me anyways, even so far away from me. She knows I miss her, and my gift will reach her, at some point. We understand each other´s souls naturally. Each other´s ways.
Would I keep her if she were nearer? I don´t know, I don´t want to take the risk. I never want.
I need to rest so much... I can´t have enough of that. I must do it while I can.
While I still can.
