Hi!My name is Nerea, I`m from the north of Spain but I currently live in Barcelona. My passion is music and Asian culture. But...music industry in my own country, is not as strong as in other countries. Cd´s are overpriced, the mass don´t buy cd´s so they buy illegal copies in the street or download it from the net as a usual way to buy music.

Single´s don´t even exist as a music format here in spain. We are luckier at gig´s , though.

So, till 5 or 7 years ago we didn´t know about any music trainer´s academy. And ceirtanly we are almost unaware of the idol phenomenon in this country.

Our idols

Dish....I had many gramatical mistakes in my previous posts XD ugly...whatever...

Let´s talk to myself again for a while.

Iam very sorry to those who haven been waiting for my writing all this time. Since I came back from my last tvxq gig, I couldn´t write a letter anymore....not only about the boys.. about anything.

So I have been dead deep inside. And recently, I started to rot. And it smells... and it´s sad and extremely uncomfortable.

This happened for so long because I though I didn´t need it so much since music is such a great drug. But this girl couldn´t live on drugs forever....

And things got so bad that I destroyed my hapiness, hurt myself, and even got someone telling me I can´t write O_O (that should have rang the alarm...)

I had learn nothing.

At all.

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Today in paradise, tonight in hell....

how does it feel to be in the edge of the blade? One little wrong step and you´ll be cut off in half.

receiving little cuts at any time.... bleeding to keep in balance....hoping for that promised land wich is tomorrow. A near day when I will finally get the balm to cure all my wounds.

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It´s relaxing....

When you stop being afraid. Afraid of everything arround you. Afraid of the sunlit shadows, the liying smiles, the broken chairs of stability. And all the unread intentions.

You took away my fear. And that´s priceless.

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I didnt focus enough during all this time. Hurting instead of being strong and fight back life. Many views had changed inside me in a positive way and for the first time Iam going on. Even if I haven´t yet fulfill all my expectatives.

I had to carefully listen to real advices, to myself. Not giving in to the caos in my mind or feelings.
I already have accepted this emotional caos won´t dissapear.It will be a constant war. But that mayhem is a brew of creativity.

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Lately I started to dream about Japan again. And again Iam in the airport....unable to go... Iam still crying, desparate, lyng down on the floor... hitting the concrete and looking for a way to reach it. And I don´t know why.
I though I knew what did those dreams meant. but actually I don´t.

I thought they meant I wanted to go to Japan, so I did. But.. maybe it has some other meaning to me.... since I know what´at the other side of the plane. At the other side of the world.

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I´ve been looking for years somekind of blog I can post my emoticon-songs. To be able to post my own songs, as I may feel like singing that day.

I haven´t find it... but, I found a way. This is one blog I never thought of publishing before, but.... if I don´t open myself I´ll end exploding from inside out.

To all of you I miss who are overseas.... or even one or two squares of states away. To the ones I still think of, and doesn´t know I do so.
I am playing wow again, oh yeah. I played wow and I liked it.

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There are some little things I noticed over the time about me and my "unknowable" rutines.

Those little manias you don´t even know you had. You know yourself better through outsider´s experience. That´s for sure.

I noticed my ressemblance with my mother. Some ressemblance we never thought I could have.

I feel as isolated now as I did when I lived by myself. Now I know the rest of my life is where my dreams are. Wherever they are on this earth.

I wonder why do I feel so at peace and secure when Iam floating on air. Not doing what a should. If I can do just everything I want or need to.... I feel plenty. But when I can´t do more than one of those things... I just end up doing nothing at all.

And then it doesn´t feel right. And it does, somehow. Somehow I feel some big and black shadow over me... but I feel comfortable there. Sick but extrangely comfortable.

And it´s hard to stand up and leave.

To sit down and endessly wait and wait and patience wasn´t made for me. Should I learn this way? Would I?

I feel like I would stop completely if the world isn´t spinning for me as well.

Rolling about my goal.... watching all my boats go away with the flow....

Why am I standing here? Why destiny is keeping me firmly tighten to the ground?

Why do I have time to even think? I don´t know what to do with that... it´s useless to me right now.

I always believed that your future is something you build, and make it your way somehow. Never thought my dreams or wishes would came knocking my door if I just waited.

So I hate to wait to be running after something, when I finally know what I want. because, to me, that´s the hardest part.

To know, what is worthy for me to go after.

My head hurts endlessly.

Is it guily, is it confusion, what is it?

Or is it a whole?

Destiny is forcing me to go slower. And even if I don´t exactly know how is it , to do that... I must try. I should learn patience. Since that´s not one of my qualities....?

I rememeber that one time when I was so scared I got multiple muscle strokes al over my body. My whole back, my legs, my arms. I couldn´t even sit, or use stairs.

I was afraid of physical pain. But I couldn´t measure, the mind damage I got.

Now.. I wanted to break patterns that are diffcult to change just wanting it. It´s not gonna be that easy, isn´t it?

Just because I decided it , it doesn´t mean that I can just do it.

I should go slower, for some reason. I should put my things in order before. Or I won´t be able to do anything else I want.

Once more I was reminded of my past. I have to get over it. I couldn´t contact with him for some time.... and Iam getting more and more confused each day.

Spiral mind.

What can I do?

I pray so I ´ll never forget, when in better times, the kindness in the misery, the warm in the frozen nest. I made three fatal mistakes turning in misfortune now. And other people is suffering it with me as well.

I am at a loss of words.. to give an explanation to my doings...

-any- explanation , to my guilty mind.

But there isn´t any. Iam trying to find any cause, but even irresponsability is too low of a word to describe such things.

Why... is anyone punishing me harder?

Who can anyway....? it´s not really my fault, and it is.

Why am I still happy..? Why am I beign protected? I feel I don´t really deserve it, but I couldn´t possibly ever neglect such luck...

Dark.. undeserved happiness. But so warm..

Cold hands and warm heart.

how true that is.

AS always, my own tricky destiny is trying to teach me something important: patience, patience... temperance, time organization, and partnership, even faith, trust.

All that is hard for me to accomplish.

Now I can finally list it up.

What are you doing now? not sleeping that´s for sure. My mind is never sleeping, that´s why my bags are so deep and ugly. I do look ugly now. As I did when you last saw me.

Swollen and tired... at the limit. But I was stronger in the inside, because I was in front of you. And you give me strenght. I realize now.

Feeling guilty for not being loyal to the supposed innocent. It resulted in a not-so-bad doing at the end, or is it like that because of my unfaithful character to that?

Iam just like my mother... going with the flow. And I am Giving in. Slowly, and carefully. But so anyways.

Where is this going? Iam gonna see it wether Iam afraid to look or not. Iam on the boat, I have front side seats. crashing to the rocks, cutting the wind, Iam on it, to the end.

Let´s see what´s further on.

The block grew up in disaster.

Sometimes I think my aspirations are quite stupid. Actually Iam weak.

But even If It wasn´t me the one pushing the brakes, it was needed. It is too soon to start doing some things yet.

Need to solve many things before I walk through my own pace. But I´ll still be there. Whenever it comes, whenever my chance is. Ill be ready.

The path everyone is taking it´s so different from mine. But I realized something, and I think many artist do it as well, to keep their sanity. I don´t like yo be surronded by artist. They are all no good company. And make your eyes go blurry. not living in real life.

These past days I have seen the one you loved. She is beautiful. So beautiful.... pale and tall. Something I will never be. People like her become artists, not me. That´s not thinking, just feeling.

I don´t know if this is all chemical or it´s true, but I hope it doesn´t last. I need my strength to keep moving. And I want it back as soon as possible.

Everithing is changing slowly. But they say slow changes are the ones that last more.

Today I dreamed I missed my class. I thought it was too late... but then the alarm clock bipped. And it was a lot earlier. Just.. i was sick.

I am not sure what it means... maybe that if I don´t do things when I should, later on I might not be able to do it.

I have to keep that in mind. Life is always trying to teach me something important. And I must listen to it. Learn quick.

I always wondered if I have somekind of.. hability. What can I do well. But I´ve never found anything.
My mother says have a leader spitit. But many people hates me for that. But there is something.. I think and everyone else who knows me... think as well.

I learn quickly. I may be not the best. But if I put effort to it, I can learn things quite fast.

I wonder what use can I make of that.

How quick I can really learn something of use. I wonder. And I wonder what it takes. And I wonder If I got it.

Stop wondering at once.

Just keep busy.

=)

It looks like iam driving so fast up the highway... and turning the wheel a little bit too strong will send me out of the road.

Iam having real trouble keeping up in pace with the whole me. But I feel like I can keep up with it. I know, it´s just difficult. And it should be also inspiring, and challenging and it is.. so much my mind could explode at any moment. As always, I spend more time trying to evade my mind than concentrating...

Otherwise I won´t see the light in days, as I did last week. And Light has to touch my skin. It´s healthy. It´s a need.

Dyeing my lungs black is not gonna help for long. But for the time beign it does and I hate it =) . I sincerely do.

Am not weak. Don´t need to be for now. Not all the time.

So Iam busy beign busy and my sanity is in the edge. Whatever. I´ll be there anyways.

I just cant call. I just... cant . I wonder if he will understand, if someone would.

I do.

Not calling, not thinking too much, heals my mind. Cures my brain. I know things are not going all right. But they will somehow.

As I can´t do what I want at the moment, and I am trying everyday for it to change.

I gotta go to make another list. Another one to go.

I usually make some mistakes in my writing, I see them after, and I don´t bother to correct them later. Iam always so lazy... though one of these days I will just correct them all at once.

Iam looking for a plan that is hiding from me. God´s scheme.

I can´t see where Iam heading just yet. It´s not like it´s bothering me, I just don´t want to miss the path. I want myself back oh track as soon as possible.
I miss my concentration. That day I wrote about going back to my dark corner to dive in my own dreams and finish it all at once, should I have done it?

Is it possible to deal with both of my sides in life? is it for me?

It should be, that´s why I made my concesions recently. To be able to handle everything. That is just how it should be, isn´t it?

Two pieces more, and I don´t want to hurt my own body, I want to take care of it, but sometimes I forget. And I feel so bad afterwards.

And I promess myself I won´t do it anymore, and I care even more about it. I can´t find my works because I haven´t given to them the importance they have.
I keep doing that, I have to stop.
That is another thing I wont do again. Never again. I know it´s somewhere, but Iam so untidy... damn.

I feel tired but I don´t want to stop, I want the day to continue so I can do all I have to. All I should have done hours ago.

You must be having trouble now. But you are not talking to me about it. same here. I can imagine what´s happening. I can sense you are feeling dissapointment about the academy. Iam feeling dissapointment as well. I wish I am ready to bear the wheight of my own dreams.

Some days ago I dream about myself. I looked at the mirror and I can see wrinkles in my face. Deep ones. And I got really scared. I though "my time is fading" I need more time...

Iam almost sure about its meaning. So I don´t want to think deeper about it. I know what are my worries. I carry them everyday.

My inner soul need to continue writing. That´s why I continue writing thoughts vain thoughts I don´t really like. Thoughts that change with the day, I don´t like them. Those, don´t deserve ink and paper to waste on them. That´s what I feel of it.

But it´s getting harder to get the track again, to get the plot again in my mind. Many things had changed inside. I almost hate some of the things I thought were ok before.

But I have to keep my precious, precious little pieces of work.

Bye bye, sweet and horned violet. You left me not looking behind, parting during the night, slippering snake leaving the nest in silence.

Most probably...You are loosing, more than I.

Light and Shadow are, sometimes, the two blades of the same knife , to me.

And, I´ll never choose because I don´t really like either of them. I could´t live always under one or another. Like everyone, I supposse. But it surprises me to see how much can I detest or love one of them at a time.

Recently I walk on sunshine even when I can´t see the light.

There is this persistent memory. A sight, a hard one. How did he walked away from me when I feared it so much. When I asked him to. When I said I´d to leave.

No tears this time, no regrets this time, but absolutely no joy or rest.

Openning a crack just to fall myself. Falling to go up.

Slowly, injured, but alive.

Why to do that to yourself, if you don´t want to suffer? Just to remain sane.

Going the hard way is not always the most pleasant, usually the less, but sometimes it´s the only way and... you must pray to see it that way.

I just realized. Where my place is. What are my real tastes.

Is it Asia because is exotic, because it´s different? Why not be a total freak, then, and just adore everything that comes from there like a totem and almost found a new religion about specific tastes?

Why not be racist with your own race? Why not feel your culture is the one and only in the whole world? And the rest it´s just weird and foreign , or just fantastic because it´s not yours?

Iam no extremist. So why?

Which one is my faction, cause I can be quite passionate about it.

I think I understand now, thinking about cakes.

I don´t like cakes. I never did. I never ate them not even in my own birthdays. I don´t specially like chocolate. But sure I always hated cakes.

But.

I do love them as they bake them in Japan and Korea, for instance.

But I don´t like Japanese sweets or Korean sweet which I don´t even tried.

I just like "foreign" cakes in Asian countries.

I wonder why is that. I like the way they make our cakes.

I hated them here because they taste sickly sweet. But not there, they are spongy and not so sweet. And I am crazy about them as they bake them there.

Why going to the opposite part of the world just to ate cake, when you can eat it here, the original recipe. The best traditional pastisiers.

Does it sound absurd? Maybe. But it´s full of meaning to me. And I really can´t eat cakes here, and I really eat a ridiculous amount of cake in Japan.

You can say I love just a different way of doing or seeing things?

That´s what I think myself. I love different ways to see a same think, to do the same thing.

What is that called? What kind of person that makes me?

Somebody tell me, because I were waiting to know that my whole life.

Tonight someone found interesting the fact Iam writing this, for nobody to see. Nobody to read.

That´s how I like it. Re-reading for me, the facts and dates of my own feelings. Feelings so hard to pull out.

So simple and silly feelings and thoughts. These kind of things I have inside.

What does that makes me?

I haven´t called you yet, though I wanted to. It´s still difficult. Don´t ask, because I don´t know why.

Not even like this, would you know how many times I think about doing it and I don´t , as I always said and you never believed.

Wathever. I should be used by now to be assummed a lier, specially when Iam not.

The feeling of missing part of my life, happy moments that I should live while young, is still, hitting me somehow, but, I noticed, those moments always come after you spend a big amount of effort and time on something. I spent my time and effort on people. Maybe that´s why.

People come and leave, but your purposes always remain. It´s just... I never had true purposes before. Just make a living.

When I was six years old, I had a crisis. An existencial crisis, as weird as it sounds. Back then I realized, that I would be forced to work for the rest of my life when adult, and I couldn´t skip that in order to get a house, and be able to subsist.

I got scared, because I never liked to be told what I must do, and that seemed like a big undeniable truth to me. So I told my mother I wanted to live in an island, make my own house, and grow my own food. So I can do what I like.

Such stupid thinking. But, I used to regret that.... if only I would had listened to my heart, to what my soul needed, I was sure Iwould never had wasted so much time, so much unrecoverable youth. BUt now, I am starting to change my thinking, to realize how much I learned.

And all of my volunteered suffering was for one purpose, to make me strong enough to follow the right path.

That´s what Iam timidly starting to believe instead.

Oh there´s so many ways to see the same thing.... so many things that aren´t exactly how they are suppossed to, but are completely right.

So many things that aren´t just as we think they are.... specially about ourselves. Iam a specialist in restraining myself. And I would have given anything to know when to do it or not.

Iam still not brave enough to throw my dice and accept. But I will someday.

My old businesses are knocking my door, but, as I would like to say that I miss it, I really don´t.

I will keep them up at my pace. I miss her, but she´s with me anyways, even so far away from me. She knows I miss her, and my gift will reach her, at some point. We understand each other´s souls naturally. Each other´s ways.

Would I keep her if she were nearer? I don´t know, I don´t want to take the risk. I never want.


I need to rest so much... I can´t have enough of that. I must do it while I can.

While I still can.

Like the calmness preceeding the storm, I felt. But through the fog, through the strong wind....Iam still here, I survived. Somehow.

I can´t live like a flower.

I try not to be too nice. It never was useful to me. It always brought pain. But I can´t be anything else. I tried it, and it definitely doesn´t work, I don´t know how to, to begin with.

I wish to be a little more selfish, a little bit more self-protecting, a bit more aware of my surrondings, but my sight is limited to enlighted places. Or so it seems.

Iam not much prepared for it than years ago. Iam not. I can´t have other´s belongings. Not even as a gift.

Despite I give away my most precious things as a special present.

Where is that place for my own feelings that is not at sight? I keep forgetting it.

And I keep buying fruit. Nice and ripe fruit left to rotten on me.

But I still want to be myself, even if it hurts. It should, sometimes, right?

Maybe that´s why I wanted to change myself so much. Because I wanted to be one who doesn´t feel pain worthlessly. I wanted to search that part of myself which won´t hurt and be it.

But evolving is always a good thing. Sure it is.

I remembered the poems I can´t write anymore. I wrote one each time. And I lost them all, along with my feelings. Buried inside to be forgotten.

But, it is said that you can´t hide the dust under the carpet. And I did that so many times before.

"never lie again" You said. "Just never said to anyone again". And I tried. To be like you.

But Iam not that lucky. No, indeed. You are, and so you can throw the first and last stone.

And who would believe someone who never lies? and who believe someone who never cheats?

Such people I loved and admired. And still, such people can dissapoint. Such people can be nasty.

I never understood lack of coherency. I still don´t. And I leart that I can´t be understanding with just anything. I can´t. I wanted to have no limits in understanding but I do.

I talked to you, and reality slapped myself on the face. So strong. It put me down quite hard. And stand by myself. I know I can. I always could somehow.

Why it doesn´t hurt knowing my mind won´t have rest? Because I know you are still there. That I will be always here.

I really wanted to keep that. And now I know for sure I am scared.

That such bonds really do exist.

I feel better practicing than performing. Why is that? Again we agree.
The field of opportunities is so vast that I can´t barely be concious or start to build it but, Iam dying for it, I want to keep a rithm.

Because that´s what I want for the rest of my life. And unlikely my comfy bed, my white ceiling, and my sea, that would never change. I finally found it, sorry....

Iam actively letting myself go with the flow. In any meanings. And I think and hope everything goes to a fine port.

I haven´t called you yet. I don´t know what am I gonna say. It´s getting difficult to talk with you these days. Just to me. You would be probably thinking Iam an ass for not calling you since the other day i promesed i would at night.

But I can´t help it. I missed the chance that day and it´s getting more and more difficult, I don´t know why.

As it is recently, I should feel boayant but I don´t. Not really at ease, despite I should. I need more hours a day to do what I want. The inmensity of my own thinking, is overloading me right now. I need to calm down my inestable sailing.

I know it will, I have help to sail my boat, recently. It brings good breeze.

I am on it. And I should´t feel like crying, I should just cry away.

But my hapiness is piling up at someplace. Far inner my heart, waiting to be understood.

Things are happening because they must be the way they are now. I don´t care what´s hidden now behind the black curtains. Iam right beside them.

For once, my own mind is resisting to think too much. I crave for simpleness, trust, and inner peace. And Iam slowly getting it, healing my wounded soul.

Do you know about it?

Opening eyes twice does hurt. But it´s revealing. Getting to know more and more of this person who is me.

Just my body seems restless.

Craving for certainess, pampering, sweet smell, tonight....

I ll write in my dreams...

No more pictures for the moment. Lately, Iam not able of looking at the remaining pictures in my phone.
I should be happy but Iam troubled instead.

As I am usually told, I like my business to go well. And who not....But Iam specially worried about things not working.

I just remembered that I should make a presentation about myself. In spanish and english..and in Japanese, of course.

I always had trouble with this. To define myself. I highly notice of those people who don´t have a problem with it. Just type out some lines speaking about 4 or 5 things.
But I have real trouble with that, and even if I try hard, only silly, really lame and not accurate things come out.

Tsk. I would like to have someone to hint those for me, or be able to remake myself. The little problem is that person doesn´t exist and I turn my newself into something quite stupid.

I should really think about that, don´t have much time. Things are going fast, as I wanted and needed them to be.

I was reminded a few days ago about nostalgic feelings. Yeah,those I try not to think much about. I remember myself, looking at the wood-strapped ceiling and its white paint, the sound and scent of the sea, and someone besides me, knowing it was sunday. I thought, "That´s it, this is the rest of my life. And it looks like I´ll be happy".

Never considered myself as a person who was scared of compromising. But it seems he was right, I truly am.

Voilá. The secret ingredient comes out at last.

But as clear as I have that memory in mind, I have the certainty that I want that no more.

Today I was reminded to search my inner-self to find some brand new leftover of our well-known and old dude, called simple and plain trust.

I don´t even remember I met him.

"Why is it so hard to trust?" I heard today from someone who was crying. And it wasn´t me. I wasn´t considering something like that with my heart. Just with my mind, and I was wrong so many times.

This time I dont´have real proof. Just hints of it. Not real proof that Iam capable to reach perfection in what I pretend to live for. Not real proof that I can belive into something that never happened before.

But I am not asking myself for faith. Just trust. I was required for that during my first trip to Japan.

That´s one of the things that Japan taught me. To trust. And it felt so good. I felt how it really was not really needing an answer. Not really needing any proof, because in this life, you hardly get to see everything, and I realized, that sometimes you don´t need it.

But it´s harder to believe in myself. Whatever, Iam gonna do it.

Not half-hearted. Not a cautelous and forceful trust. Just a pure and plain one. Not reasoning it too much. I must listen to my heart. I was ignoring his voice way too much till now. So much I stopped hearing it, and many times I made it scream.

I am gonna listen to it, and wait paciently till I can hear its voice again.

Earth starts spinning....now

I can´t hear music for a while. The last days sure were challenging. Though I did my best. I felt myself in that situation so very much.. so much that.. some situations make me feel how futile it seems to start all over again.

I know it´s not. Just don´t have real proof. Yet.

I am not sure why I took this picture. it´s not like I really wanted to remember something like this.

It was for me after all. Whith just this, I can rememeber the place, and all the places before that. That ugly pack, were all my belongins not long ago. Yes, all those old, gipsy-looking bags. That warm-air fan, it was special for me. I took my father´s when I left to live by myself, because I get cold easily when I get out the shower. It warmed me up during so many cold nights. Although, it broke and they bought me a new one for christmas... a new air-warmer fan.

I got sick many times during my first years in Barcelona. And they were so worried... and they never force me to come back. I didn´t really like that fan..but it was my only source of heat many nights...

Each of those weird bags has its history, and not all of them were originally mine. That´s what I wanted when I left my home years ago. I wanted not to have anything for granted. I wanted to learn, how is it to survive, to handle your own life. And I learned it.

By the hard way. I was scared, I felt alone, I felt free, I was happy, I met peace.

I cried real tears. I worried true worries. And I didn´t really realized how much of what i learnt , I just did.

Maybe.. I didn´t know it then, but that´s why I did the picture. I know that now.

I went through all that experiences to be able to use them now. I hope so.

To be strong enough to do what I feel I should, To do what I think is right. To have trust and faith in myself.

I lacked so many basic sense to value my own oppinion. I usually forgot to invite myself to my own parties.

I did my best these days... I did it all right? I hope I didn´t bother any recently important people to me...did I? I hope I didn´t ....

If only...could I stop worrying so much about doing things wrong.....maybe I would do them better? xD

Let´s se If I could keep these two sides of myself together, as everyone does, by the way.xD

owari

5 days later and I am still celebrating my birthday. oh man, that´s cool XD just....it should be nonstop.





Quite different from last .....many years. But here anyways. Time always catch you, as accurate as memories do.


Recently I feel more like I can do what I dream of. I feel a little more like I can reach the notes if I concentrate enough. I feel more like I can do it.....I want to keep that feeling and increase it more and more.
This is a sad picture to have. This picture, means betrayal to me. Means hurt and pain. despite I was having so much fun in that heavy club, where you can use headphones sitting on the bar. That was the first time... I felt I wanted to take a picture of any moment I spend with friends.
I feel like that very rarely. And the other time that hapenned in Spain, the picture got erasedxD Or so I heard. So the only one picture I took like this, it was the very last. It was the begginning of the end. Or no, that were on that damn bed in korea, when i had that dream. The dream with my birthday and the cakes.
She was dropping my cakes..and I wanted to take them back from the floor..... desperately, I wanted to take them back,save it, even if I wasn´t gonna eat it anyways.... I hate cakes. How they make cakes in spain, I rather like them in Japan. So stupid but so true.
But this year I ate so many cakes. So many sweets the life is finally giving me. Iam careful though, I still can get sick from them.
Sickly sweet, nice caramels I denied myself to take for so many years.
And so, with this damned picture I say goodbye to my betrayal nº2 . To that night of revelations, when I learned that I was wasting my time so much. Or I were taking so much from nothing.
That´s how I came back from the sunny, bluesea land. With my heart empty, my pockets full, and my soul complete.