Too much Coffee
0
Dish....I had many gramatical mistakes in my previous posts XD ugly...whatever...
Let´s talk to myself again for a while.
Iam very sorry to those who haven been waiting for my writing all this time. Since I came back from my last tvxq gig, I couldn´t write a letter anymore....not only about the boys.. about anything.
So I have been dead deep inside. And recently, I started to rot. And it smells... and it´s sad and extremely uncomfortable.
This happened for so long because I though I didn´t need it so much since music is such a great drug. But this girl couldn´t live on drugs forever....
And things got so bad that I destroyed my hapiness, hurt myself, and even got someone telling me I can´t write O_O (that should have rang the alarm...)
I had learn nothing.
At all.
Ridiculous, but a hurting truth. I used my experience for anything but helping myself. I did learn just that diversity in the ways of living is infinite and I tryed to control that! Obviously I got mad trying such a stupid task.
Totally insane.
I´ve always though that haughtiness is the fatal weakness of humanhood. And I failed in avoiding it, since I innocently tried to fix everything in my life with the same bandaid xDDD
SO, I´ll take some aspirin, I´ll sew the wounds though they are still bleeding and I´ll try to put myself back on track. Just because.
In my darkests hours, long ago, I determined that if I walk the right path, I´ll just find the right people, the right place.
My former boyfriend told me once... walking down Gran via.. "You live your life like everyday is the last one, stop it"
And I though.. well, should I learn patience? I Am at home now after all....but home was never a shelter..... my clock just stopped, and ... guess.. it happens that living like that was the only way that I had to deal with my own life. He took that from me...
gave me desperation and tedium. And I´m not that good with those....
I remember things I told you last time you were in Madrid. All my excuses, all the shit I said. Plus all the shit I said by phone in Barcelona last year. I wanted the laptop. Broken and all. In fact, I need it.
I got so many unfinished things and undefined feelings and resentment , dancing arround my grave.
I smile everytime I complain , I know you will despise me if you heard. Shrug, and put on one of those condescendent glares.
I hurted so much before, for no reason.. and now I realized I had no reason at all.... that now it looks ridiculous to be like that again.
And once more my life is ironic but now that I feel like I though I felt months ago.... I can´t just be like that again. Have no right to. And it´s totally useless.
trying to fix it all, I totally forgot to fix myself, and I ruined the ruins of me ....
I could even pity me for the first time, if I could.
So, welcome to the club of the self-destroying bitches.
I´m the winner this year.. gosh I tryed hard! hahahaa
As I noticed recently, since someone pointed it out to me, I dared to do anything... about the outside... but not the inside. Iam always... scared to look deep inside of me... I already know I´m not gonna like it.
"Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak whispers the o’er-fraught heart and bids it break.”
said shakespeare.
But I am a loss of words... mute by pain.
I talked a lot about love before. And recently also realized that I tried to give myself and others weak explanations of my feelings and thoughs.... that might be not true at all. I speak far too much. And the worse is that the most of the time I say nothing. Since I decided to abandon my solitude years ago.
I want to give me and everyone a logical explanation of anthing. I find reassurance in that.
Makes me feel like feelings are something you can trust no matter what, makes me feel that feelings are something a little more real.
I feel and think so so many things... that sometimes, I feel like my feelings are not real till I speak them up or make something as a proof of them.
(yeah, I told ya, insane...¬¬)
I stopped to eat driven by my nerves. So I lost weight. And I don´t need to smoke. Now my feet feel heavier. My heart is gone. But Iam hearing myself.
I don´t feel that turmoil anymore inside me, though Iam bleeding.
As blood is leaving me, so my fears are.
I feel weak, but free inside. Iam dying, but Iam dying full awake, with my eyes wide open.
how did you feel when I told you I was kind of going out with that idiot? Sure I don´t want to know... I never wanted to know it.
Life keeps reminding me why I shouldn´t be this insecure...
was he hurting when he said... "if this hurts.. just forget it, as you did many times before." and simply walked away?
Was he a little bit scared when he said "u migh find in this time a fantastic man who will solve your life?"
Was he lying when he acts like he wants me to learn how to live without him? when he says "leave me alone"?
He never knew the right things about me. Just and only the bad ones.
I think he was telling the truth...wants me to live without him. Now it´s not a choice. I wanted this, but not this way. Sorry I never let anyone help me.
now now, I should be doing other things....
Let´s talk to myself again for a while.
Iam very sorry to those who haven been waiting for my writing all this time. Since I came back from my last tvxq gig, I couldn´t write a letter anymore....not only about the boys.. about anything.
So I have been dead deep inside. And recently, I started to rot. And it smells... and it´s sad and extremely uncomfortable.
This happened for so long because I though I didn´t need it so much since music is such a great drug. But this girl couldn´t live on drugs forever....
And things got so bad that I destroyed my hapiness, hurt myself, and even got someone telling me I can´t write O_O (that should have rang the alarm...)
I had learn nothing.
At all.
Ridiculous, but a hurting truth. I used my experience for anything but helping myself. I did learn just that diversity in the ways of living is infinite and I tryed to control that! Obviously I got mad trying such a stupid task.
Totally insane.
I´ve always though that haughtiness is the fatal weakness of humanhood. And I failed in avoiding it, since I innocently tried to fix everything in my life with the same bandaid xDDD
SO, I´ll take some aspirin, I´ll sew the wounds though they are still bleeding and I´ll try to put myself back on track. Just because.
In my darkests hours, long ago, I determined that if I walk the right path, I´ll just find the right people, the right place.
My former boyfriend told me once... walking down Gran via.. "You live your life like everyday is the last one, stop it"
And I though.. well, should I learn patience? I Am at home now after all....but home was never a shelter..... my clock just stopped, and ... guess.. it happens that living like that was the only way that I had to deal with my own life. He took that from me...
gave me desperation and tedium. And I´m not that good with those....
I remember things I told you last time you were in Madrid. All my excuses, all the shit I said. Plus all the shit I said by phone in Barcelona last year. I wanted the laptop. Broken and all. In fact, I need it.
I got so many unfinished things and undefined feelings and resentment , dancing arround my grave.
I smile everytime I complain , I know you will despise me if you heard. Shrug, and put on one of those condescendent glares.
I hurted so much before, for no reason.. and now I realized I had no reason at all.... that now it looks ridiculous to be like that again.
And once more my life is ironic but now that I feel like I though I felt months ago.... I can´t just be like that again. Have no right to. And it´s totally useless.
trying to fix it all, I totally forgot to fix myself, and I ruined the ruins of me ....
I could even pity me for the first time, if I could.
So, welcome to the club of the self-destroying bitches.
I´m the winner this year.. gosh I tryed hard! hahahaa
As I noticed recently, since someone pointed it out to me, I dared to do anything... about the outside... but not the inside. Iam always... scared to look deep inside of me... I already know I´m not gonna like it.
"Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak whispers the o’er-fraught heart and bids it break.”
said shakespeare.
But I am a loss of words... mute by pain.
I talked a lot about love before. And recently also realized that I tried to give myself and others weak explanations of my feelings and thoughs.... that might be not true at all. I speak far too much. And the worse is that the most of the time I say nothing. Since I decided to abandon my solitude years ago.
I want to give me and everyone a logical explanation of anthing. I find reassurance in that.
Makes me feel like feelings are something you can trust no matter what, makes me feel that feelings are something a little more real.
I feel and think so so many things... that sometimes, I feel like my feelings are not real till I speak them up or make something as a proof of them.
(yeah, I told ya, insane...¬¬)
I stopped to eat driven by my nerves. So I lost weight. And I don´t need to smoke. Now my feet feel heavier. My heart is gone. But Iam hearing myself.
I don´t feel that turmoil anymore inside me, though Iam bleeding.
As blood is leaving me, so my fears are.
I feel weak, but free inside. Iam dying, but Iam dying full awake, with my eyes wide open.
how did you feel when I told you I was kind of going out with that idiot? Sure I don´t want to know... I never wanted to know it.
Life keeps reminding me why I shouldn´t be this insecure...
was he hurting when he said... "if this hurts.. just forget it, as you did many times before." and simply walked away?
Was he a little bit scared when he said "u migh find in this time a fantastic man who will solve your life?"
Was he lying when he acts like he wants me to learn how to live without him? when he says "leave me alone"?
He never knew the right things about me. Just and only the bad ones.
I think he was telling the truth...wants me to live without him. Now it´s not a choice. I wanted this, but not this way. Sorry I never let anyone help me.
now now, I should be doing other things....
